Matzav Inbox: A Thought About the Language of Caring

A writer who experienced prostate cancer surgery reflects on how people's well-intentioned inquiries about his health, while sincere, created an awkward dynamic. Questions like "How are you feeling?" Left him uncertain whether to answer honestly about difficult days or offer a rote response of gratitude. He resolved the tension by suggesting greetings like "Good to see you," Which expressed care without demanding a medical account.

Now facing a similar situation from the opposite perspective - as his wife undergoes cancer treatment - he encounters the same challenge repeatedly. During serious illness, particularly chemotherapy, conditions fluctuate hourly or daily, making simple answers impossible. Some information remains private; some answers prove too complicated to share readily.

He points to a halachic principle in the Shulchan Aruch regarding visiting the sick: while frequent visits are praiseworthy, they must not burden the ill person. Genuine concern should be measured by its effect on the recipient, not solely by the visitor's intentions. The Rambam connects this care to the commandment to love one's neighbor as oneself, requiring consideration of what strength the sick person has to receive.

Traditional Jewish practice offers guidance through the blessing Chazal teach: "May Hashem have compassion upon you among all the sick of Israel." This formulation emphasizes solidarity and prayer rather than requesting information.

More meaningful greetings, he suggests, might include: "It is good to see you. We are continuing to daven for the Rebbetzin," Or simply acknowledging that the person is in prayers without expecting an update. Direct messages to the ill person stating "Thinking of you and davening for you; no need to respond" Prove more helpful than passing regards through a spouse.

While close friends prepared to hear difficult truths may appropriately ask how someone is doing, offering private reassurance-"If you wish to share, I am here to listen, but you owe me nothing"-respects autonomy. When illness enters a family, the most caring words often communicate presence and prayer rather than demand explanation.